August 10, 2022
Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight is episode 167 entitled “Comfort – A Deep Dive” When we are hurt there is only one way for the hurt to be healed…comfort. There are many ways we deal (or don’t deal) with hurts, however, having someone attach comfort to our grief is the only way that we can truly move on in healthy fashion. We’re talking about that at The Table this evening.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
- What is it? – Responding to a hurting person with words, feelings, and touch; to hurt with and for another’s grief or pain.
- What causes it?
- Having it met constantly as a child
- NOT having it met as a child
- How is it different than all other emotional needs?
- You have to have comfort to heal
- You don’t have to have the other emotional needs
- Don’t need attention? Don’t get it? Fine.
- Don’t need affection? Don’t get it? Fine.
- If you don’t get comfort, you won’t heal. Not fine.
- What then, does having a low “need” for comfort indicate?
- A consistent level of hurts being comforted
- A lack of or even fear of intimacy
- Previous hurts in emotional responding
- What do the ramifications of a low “need” for comfort look like?
- It comes down to how comfortable we are with being comforted
- Antibiotic analogy
- Some handle it well
- Others get bad reactions but if you have an infection…
- How is it met?
- Being in the presence of a trusted loved one
- Sharing the hurt (emotional need not met or taken from you)
- Having that person JOIN you in whatever emotion you are experiencing due to the hurt
- It is important that they properly emotionally respond (not the 4 negative ways, those will be talked about next)
- They need to JOIN you, not stop short of or go past where you are/were
- How is it not met/how are we hurt by not receiving it?
- Ignoring – we are left wondering if we matter at all or if anyone cares/loves us
- Critical – we are left feeling like
- Our actions caused our hurt
- Our feelings are not valid leading to shame/guilt
- Facts/Logic/Reason – we are left feeling misunderstood
- We were not looking for direction, it was comfort we needed
- WE wanted the attention not the problem to get the attention (they were focused on what caused the emotion rather than the emotion)
- Selfish – bothersome and lonely, once again, they made it about them not us
- How do we “steal” it when it is not met?
- We talk a lot about what’s wrong with us…to anyone who will listen
- We ask how people feel for us or if they agree with how we feel
- What happens when we don’t get the need met?
- Numbness, lack of happiness or, even, sadness
- All of the things that come out of the top of the cup
- What other emotional needs can be confused with comfort?
- “You can get through this!”
- Ignoring/Facts, Logic, Reason
- “Let me help you get through this”
- Critical, Ignoring
- “You are a good person even though this is happening to you”
- “Even though you’re going through this I love you”
- “We’ve all been there”
- Selfish, Ignoring
- How can we meet one’s need for Comfort?
- Be real with people/be approachable
- Actually listen to people’s hurts
- Focus hard on what they are feeling and not on what’s causing the emotion
- Listen more, talk less, focus on them
- Non-verbal comfort has a greater impact than verbal and is often less confusing
- When we do not receive comfort, how are we hurt?
- Fear – No one cared this time, they won’t care in the future
- I haven’t been there for others, why would they be there for me
- My hurt is my own fault
- Self Condemnation – the belief that you yourself are not worthy of comfort
- Anger – we refuse to comfort others as we have not been comforted. We lash out in other areas due to the lack of comfort during our pain